Here, At The Fracture
I find myself needing to write, and since I can’t get on Facebook at the moment here is as good a place as any..
Writing is fascinating.. I find that I am able to seek the Lord through it, to worship Him, praise Him, cry out to Him, and learn from Him. It is a gift that, though I may not be author material, I find myself drawn to. It is worship to me; to be able to write about my God, about His love, and even to hear His Spirit speak into me when I am writing.
But this time it’s different..
This time, I’m doing my best to be able to even say or write anything at all..
For reasons that are my own I found myself crying out to God, literally crying and begging Him to give me rest, and His answer was so clear that it literally stopped me in my place..
“What would hurt you more?” I could literally hear it said within me, words that were certainly not my own, “To lose everything you love on this earth?” He said, “Or that you were not doing what you should have done? Which would be more painful; to lose everything, or to live disobediently?”
I have to be honest and say that I certainly was being disobedient in something. What it is I will not say, but I knew better and I led a person that I love more my own life down that same road..
Is it really worth it to be caught up in ourselves? Is it really worth fulfilling our own desires, only to lead those we love the most down a path that is not God’s? No.. it isn’t..
We should be encouragement, joy, peace, grace, and above all we should be love in the lives of others. If we are not these things then we are doing them more harm than good. No matter how hard we think we are trying, there is only one direction that is right, and that is toward God. We need Him, they need Him, so why live foolishly and do the opposite of what He says to do?
It honestly tears me apart that I was not doing what I needed to do, what my God has shown me is right. It hurts me more than words can say that I was lazy in this one thing, and it is a thing that is more important to me than any other; aside from God, this thing is everything that I wanted my life to be.. But what is more important? Him, or ourselves?
We cannot fall into a selfish way of thinking, and living! Everything that we are, and everything that we do should be “God, God, God” and not “me, me, me.” In those things that are SO important to us, we should be absent of ourselves and full of Him; it is His love that defines us and shows us how to love them properly, and His way that determines how we treat them..
It doesn’t always go the way we plan.. Sometimes we take steps that we shouldn’t have taken, and do things that lead us into a place we absolutely ache to be in. We, ourselves, are to blame; I am to blame.. I sinned.. I did wrong to my God, and I did wrong to that thing that I cherish so much and though every part of me wishes that I could take it back, I cannot. Here I am, standing at the edge, looking into the fracture that I have caused in my heart and I am completely breathless.
How could I be so stupid? I had one job, and I could not even do that?! I know FOR CERTAIN how important this thing is to me, and I was weak.. Here. Now. Standing at the divide that I have caused within myself I am overcome with grief for what I have done!
I lay there, sobbing, begging God to forgive me for being foolish and not seeing that I was wrong. “I’m sorry.. I am so sorry.. I’m sorry Father.. My God I am so very sorry.” The only words that I could muster, and even with all of my effort, were those.. It is so clear, so obvious! How can we miss it? How can we possibly ignore it? How could I?
I know now what I need to do as I stand here typing this, looking at the fracture that I have left; that thing, awful and painful as it is, that I have caused in myself.
It’s a dark place, being void of God, but where He is there is light! He IS power! He is IS justice! He IS healing! He IS love! He IS hope!
Admitting that you are wrong is the hardest part, the flesh doesn’t want that and it will fight you fervently to keep you from it. What comes next is much simpler; turning away from that wrong and looking to the God Who sustains you! Tear yourself away from the things that cause you fear! Kill those fears, He is the power in you to do so! Remove yourself from negative thoughts and things and think on His way and His truth! Rip yourself apart, end from end, and get rid of what is not God!
I know now, as I stand here typing this, what I must do.. I’ll look at this thing, the fracture that has me torn in two, and I will dive in! There is nothing that is above God, nothing that should hold more importance in our lives, and when we learn that we can better for those things that are important in our lives!
It is not about “me, me, me,” it IS about “God! God! GOD!”
So here I am, standing at the edge of this dreadful tear that I have formed in my own foolishness, and looking at the way I should live my life with awe.. Amazed that in this thing, this wrong that I have done, He has given me correction instead of judgment. That is what His love does!
I’ll leave this post, and I’ll get back to doing what I have to do here tonight but I cannot help but to wonder what is next. I know the direction that I have to walk, He shows us, and I look forward to every step! No matter what I have done wrong, He is always right!
No matter how many things come against us, He is a cleansing flame in us that cannot be quenched!
As I stand here, confused and empty, I find myself singing, “Here’s my heart Lord.” Worship is a beautiful thing! It is a life lived for God, the way that He shows us! A life lived for others, and not for ourselves. It is praising Him, no matter what you might feel! It is trusting in Him, no matter what you may be going through! It is singing when all you can do is cry!
I have to admit my weakness.. I have sinned.. I have been unfair, and inattentive to what He gave me.. and here I am, at the threshing floor of my own doing. But this is not the end, and He has shown me that. I can move forward, and I can be what He has called me to be, to the fullest! I intend to be! I will!!
I will overcome, and I will walk in the direction that He has shown me! Nothing will stop me! He has erased what I have done wrong, on the cross, but I will never make that mistake again, and neglect what I should cherish! I will fight for what I love until the day that I draw my last breath!
I have to go now.. Don’t lead yourself to the fracture, focus on Him and let Him lead you on paths that you cannot fall from as long as you continue in Him!
BUT, I wish you all the best! Have a great week, and a blessed life. Goodnight.